LAZIEST LOG

[deusexmechanic]

[Harper dropped back on his bed, letting out a long breath. He'd re-tuned a couple of personal projects, worked for a couple of hours on Rommie, and accidentally unleashed his mongoose only to spend half an hour tracking it back down again. Now? He could feel his body trying to wind down, trying to force him to rest even though his mind just wouldn't.

He closed his eyes, and started mentally calculating the fuel capacity of huge infinite space.]

Comments

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[She considered not even going. In fact, she considered just being childish and ignoring him until he figured it out, but that was both immature and counter productive. So, while she didn't like it, Uhura knew that she had to face him to see what had happened. The officer was trying to keep her feelings about it cast to the side, but she knew that wouldn't work for too long.

Which is why she had one hand clenched in a fist as the other one, as politely as she could, knocked on his door.]

Harper... [Yeah, that was her warning voice.]

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

[Harper heard the knock, he heard Uhura at his door, but he didn't immediately connect either of those things to any specific failing on his part. Rolling off the bed, he went to answer the door, letting it slide open and greeting Uhura with a smile.]

Hey! Uhura! How's it going?

[Man, it was good seeing her right now. It felt like it'd been far too long since he'd last seen her.]

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[She just rose a brow and stepped past him, inside.]

Oh? Now you're concerned about how I am? [She shook her head.] What about yesterday? When you were supposed to meet me in the CES? [She didn't play normal woman headgames. She was far too blunt for that.]

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

Yesterday? [Oh shit, oh shit what had he done yesterday? Worked. Worked and worked and spent a while lying in bed staring at the ceiling and played with the mongoose and then worked more and completely forgotten that he'd had a date with Uhura. Great job, genius. Harper pressed one hand over his eyes, wincing.] That was... Oh jeeze, I'm sorry, Uhura, it just... I was working, and it kinda... it just slipped my mind, you know? I mean, c'mon, you know there's nothing I'd rather be doing than being with you, right?

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[She put her hand on her hip and tilted her head to the side.] Other than working? [TRY HARDER.] Yes, I can see that. All you ever do is work, Harper. And when I ask for just one thing...just one. Little. Bit. of your time...I get stood up like a schoolgirl on a date?

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

I'm not working now? Let's go do it now! Please, look, I didn't mean to-- I mean, you can have my time, you know that! I just... It kinda... got away from me yesterday.

[And today, and the day before yesterday. He really needed to do something with Rex as well, actually. Maybe drag him over to see Capa... Harper glanced towards his journal, his mind suddenly miles away from the conversation with Uhura.]

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[Well, she was just about to forgive him, but then he got that faraway look and she sighed.]

Really, Harper? I can really have your time? Because you're not giving it to me. Not even now.

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

[He snapped back to attention when she spoke again, and winced, his expression apologetic.]

You can! I mean that! I just... I've been... [He reached up to scratch his head, before bringing both hands around to rub his eyes hard.] Weird. Like, I don't know, there's been a lot going on lately. I've been stressed, that's all. It's not because I don't want to be there for you.

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[Be there for her? That phrase didn't sit right with her, though she couldn't figure out why. She found a chair and sat in it defiantly.]

A lot going on. Yeah. I know. A lot's been going on with me, too, but you wouldn't know about that, would you? [Now that was a selfish statement and she knew it, but she wasn't going to take it back.]

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

[Okay, that hit him with the guilt. So he figured being down one afternoon of playing in the CES wasn't the worst thing in the world, it was dumb, and it was selfish to have forgotten it, but it wasn't like she'd needed him.

Only... a lot had been going on. He knew things had happened in the week in the dark, he'd seen Ana's post. But somehow he'd just glazed over it. He'd just moved on, too fast for him to process what it might have meant for her. She was right, he didn't know about what was going on for her right now. Just like he didn't know what was going on for Rex, or for Capa, or for any of the people who'd died in the Barge with him. He hadn't even felt like he was on the same plane of existence as any of them, and he was still peripherally aware that there were whispers in the dark about genocide and blinding lights and guilty consciences and he had to focus on Rex. He still had to bring his inmate back to something like secure and normal even if he was doing a really good job of managing to piss that away for himself.

He realized it had been over a minutes since she'd finished speaking, and again he'd gotten wrapped up in a string of thoughts moving faster than the rest of him could keep up with, and finally he managed to focus his gaze on Uhura again.]

I'm sorry.

[Even to him, that sounded a little pathetic.]

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[She was tempted to just get up and walk away, when he, yet again, drifted off, but something in his look made her stay. Not that his apology really meant anything to her. She had heard that so many times. But his look- the way his eyes seemed- she couldn't get that out of her head.]

Harper... [Her tone was still annoyed, but it had gone down a bit.] Look, I get it if you're only in this for...[She looked away.]

But I was kind of hoping that this might be something more. But if it is, I have to be able to trust you. I know that there's something going on with you that's weird...but you haven't talked to me about it, so I don't know what to think about it. And then you make plans but don't follow through?

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

[He didn't reply for a long moment, but this time his mind was still focused on her at least. On what she was saying, when he replies his voice is loud. Not shouting, just... like a child speaking, not quite sure how loud is loud enough to be heard.]

How could you think this was just about sex? After everything between us, how could you think that's all this was?

[It did start with sex though, didn't it? Sex and desperation, and him trying to convince her that anti-gravity twister was a good idea, and all the halloween costumes he'd suggested to her, and--

No. Stay here. Don't go away again. Stay with her.

Harper knotted both hands in his hair and tightened his grip. pulling hard enough to focus himself in the moment.]

I didn't mean to forget you. I'm not trying not to talk to you about it, I just... I don't know if... I don't have the words for it, you know? I can't... I can't... I can't keep up.

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

How could I? Because of this, Harper, honestly. [But she knew that she was overreacting slightly and backed off, shaking her head.] Look, I know, I just said that because I was upset. But I'm frustrated with all of this.

[She stood up and walked over to him, her hands on his arms.]

So tell me what's going on. At least try to explain so that I don't feel like this is personal.

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

[Harper dropped his hands, staring at Uhura for a moment, his expression strangely vacant.]

Do you believe that people have souls?

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[Well that question caught her off guard. She blinked a few times at him and then nodded, taking her hands away from him.]

Yes. I do. Why?

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

Okay, so if when the inmates come here, they're already dead? Then the Barge takes their souls, right? But because when wardens come here we're not dead, it doesn't take ours? We just live here, right?

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[Though she wasn't quite sure where he was going with this, she shrugged and just perched herself on the edge of his bed.]

I don't know. I don't think the barge takes their souls. I just think they come with their souls. And yeah...I guess we still have ours, too.

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

Everyone's talking about how he switched the Barge off and then on again, like it was deliberate, like it was planned, but why would he plan something that could undermine everybodies faith in him? Something that made the wardens that mad at him, right? I don't think it was planned. I think the Barge ran out of fuel. I mean, the engine wasn't broken, it just didn't have anything to run on, and then we went wandering into it.

[Harper gives a short, strangled laugh.]

But we're all still alive, so it can't have eaten our bodies, and we're all still sentient, so it can't have eaten our minds, so what's left, Uhura? The Barge powered back up, didn't it? Whatever it is that fuels this ship, it took it, and we can't even tell what's gone.

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[She shook her head and walked over, wrapping her arms around him tightly as she figured out what he was talking about. The thought was too frightening for he to dwell on.]

Harper, no. That's not what it was.

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

[He almost pulls away. Almost. But doesn't, instead carefully putting his arms around her in return.]

Says who? Nobody knows what it was. Everyone just assumes that the Admiral turned the lights back on, well says who ?

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

Says me. [She fixed him with a stern look now that they were in closer proximity.]

You might not be able to tell if your soul is there, but you can tell when it's gone.

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

You don't knows that Uhura. You can't know that. [He stares at her a little pleadingly for a moment, like he wants desperately for her to prove him wrong and explain some little known scientific fundamental that he's forgotten that'll convince him that the presence of the soul can be physically measured, then he looks away.]

Saying that, it's just like... like promising not to leave, like promising that it'll be okay. We can't do that here. We're always just... saying what we want to be true, even though there's no way for us to know if it is.

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Harper, I do know. [She takes a deep breath, refusing to get frustrated with him. Because, honestly, she couldn't. She had come here angry but now...now he really did need something and she just didn't know how to give that to him.]

Because I know that I'm here for a reason. That maybe the Admiral is a dick, maybe he can be slightly sadistic, but this was his creation. This idea, taking people and saving them, that was his idea.

And no matter what happens, that stays the same. And he isn't here to take souls, Harper. Or else we would all have descended into insanity a long time ago. Just think...we've had angels here. Angels, Harper.

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

Who says it's his creation! Plenty of people flew ships they never made, plenty of people captained ships without having any idea how they worked, and who says that it was even deliberate? Maybe-- maybe, okay, maybe you're right? Maybe he isn't here to take souls, maybe he's just not as omnipotent as everyone's giving him credit for? [Harper's talking quickly. Too quickly, stumbling over his words, like again he can't get them out of his mouth fast enough.] Maybe he just wasn't planning on us cutting his ship open and going down into the darkness and maybe whatever happened was a complete and total accident, but it happened and now there is something-- something--

[He cuts himself off, staring at the wall of the cabin. Before deciding to take a different track.]

There's plenty of gods here as well. When science attains a certain level of complexity, it becomes impossible to tell it apart from magic. From miracle. I don't believe in angels, Uhura.

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[She stepped away from him and just sat down on his bed again as he spoke. Running her fingers through her hair, she stared down at the ground.]

I'm not saying I do, either. But if you're going to address the existence of souls, you have to take the religious aspect into account.

[She paused.]

And finish what you were going to say. It happened and now there is something...what?

[deusexmechanic.livejournal.com]

That depends on what religion you're getting your aspects from.

[He's mumbling under his breath now, and once Uhura's stepped away from him he starts pacing around his room.]

It's nothing. I don't know. But it happened. We didn't just die, something happened and I can't just assume like everyone else just assumes that the worst thing this place can do to you is offend your freakin' sensibilities and let you--

[He exhales hard, and drops against the wall.]

I don't know. It's just... I don't know.

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

[She watched him pace, the worry evident in her eyes now. Before,s he had simply been concerned...now she was fully worried about him.]

Harper. I...don't know what happened down there. I don't. But I'm trying to help you. What do you need me to do? What can I do?